I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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