I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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