he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
