Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
smell my finger.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Drunk is a universal language darling
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
