Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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