I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
