I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
