please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
