This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
