i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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