I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Green mimosas i think yes
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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