What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
