Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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