mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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