if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
