She said her name was "party"
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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