ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize
