a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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