Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Randomize
