Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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