i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
