so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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