So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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