Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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