Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Randomize
