Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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