dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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