I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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