Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
