The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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