I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
