I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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