your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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