wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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