Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
