I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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