Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
