meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Randomize
