how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
