you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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