Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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