Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
