Midget sex pt 2 tonight
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
