it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
