If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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