Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
