Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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