You're a womanizer and a bitch.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
