sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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