I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
